Tuesday, August 23, 2005

Unreported Terrorist Attack

Recently we had a terrorist attack within my place of business. Here are the applicable communiques from/with the terrorists. Names have been removed to protect co-workers from vicious retaliation from these....well, vicious pen-nappers.

I am looking for a very special item. It may look ordinary to you, but it is very special. There has been a misplaced pen that needs to come home. It is a black and mostly silver Zebra mechanical pen. If you found it laying about, or if seen it as it ran across the floor, please bring it back to me. I would be most grateful.

Thank you for your assistance,

As you can see it all started with a simple request for the return of a missing loved one. This heartfelt cry resonated through the office sparking an energetic search for the lost pen. Gasps of horror wear heard across cubicle walls upon receipt of the following e-mail.

Never!! The capitalist pigdog pen must be sacrificed to show the solidarity of our cause. Down with evil ink pens and their imperialist masters. Long live the fighters.

Your friend,

Mohammed Atta-boy bin Il Jong

Fearful of any harm befalling the innocent and far too young pen the company decided not to involve the police and requested the safe return of their beloved writing utensil.

Please let the pen go!! It's only been on this earth a short time and deserves a chance to live till it's ink has run out. Imagine if it were your pen. Would you want to see it taken in such a manner? Please send it back and we can treat this like a bad joke

The reply left no doubt that we were dealing with deadly serious, though misguided, individuals.

This is not a joke. The revolution lives on. We will be releasing a tape of the de-capping of the pen along with our demands......wait, if we've already de-capped the pen how can we demand anyth......Damnit. Brother Abu Hugo al bin Zaraqwi Chavez go get another pen to sacrifice.


He's dead?!? You idiots!! Robertson said kill Hugo Chavez, not Abu Hugo al bin Zaraqwi Chavez!! That's it!! No soup for you!

To the heathen owner of the evil Zebra, take consolation in the fact that your pen, though an infidel, died for a much higher cause. I can't tell you what that cause is because we can only do that with appropriate press coverage but it's a very high, noble cause. Think Krispy Kreme's for all level of cause. You fat Americans should understand that.

At this point the people around the office started nodding in understanding for they did know the glory that is Krispy Kreme and did agree that it should be available for all on demand. With such a strong case before them the cubicle dwellers returned to their desks with a better understanding and feeling of comradeship with the nappers of the pen.


As there was no press coverage for this incident and no law enforcement involvement(surprising considering the donuts involved) the perpetrators of this insidious scheme were never apprehended. The owner of the lost pen has mourned her loss and moved on. She's even recovered enough to purchase a new pen(she had to get a Bic as she couldn't look at a Zebra yet). And, to prove they weren't such bad guys, the terrorist kidnappers sent her a box of a dozen glazed Krispy Kreme's to show they had no hard feelings.

The moral of the story is something that visionaries like Michael Moore and Jane Fonda have been saying for years. The terrorists aren't bad guys once you get to know them. Just don't be American, non-Islamic, and above all, don't buy Zebra pens. They really hate those.


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