Sunday, April 24, 2011


Happy Easter everyone. Today's discussion deals with an idea that's been gaining a bit more traction in certain learned circles as of late. There are many people out there who put forth the theory that the big JC was, in fact, the first vampire. They point to the very obvious vampiric overtones in the "This is my blood. Drink this in remembrance of me" as proof that Christ was establishing himself as the patriarch of a new vampire species. This idea has been used in various stories. Most successfully, IMHO, in The Shadow Saga by Christopher Golden. However, while this is a compelling idea, there is an alternate theory that I think is an even more interesting interpretation.

Simply put, Jesus is a zombie. I know that zombies are traditionally mindless, ravening beasts intent only upon devouring every bit of flesh they can get their dessicated hands on. There are examples throughout the various media used to document them that show examples of them retaining their mental faculties. Even some of the early data put together by Romero show some of the zombies remembering how to use phones, doors, or even track down hidden entrances. It's not unreasonable that the first zombie, before generations of viral mutation, would retain full use of their memories and knowledge.

There are a few other indicators of this in Christ's own actions and words. There's the obvious comment where he tells his disciples to eat of his body. A more telling reference involves an incident after his resurrection. As Christ is appearing before the disciple Thomas, Jesus tells Thomas to feel his wounds. If Christ had been a vampire those wounds would have been healed. Simply put, vampires heal, zombies don't. And there's another, very telling, piece of evidence against Christ being a vampire. Jesus appeared in sunlight both before and after his return to the living. And let's not forget the raising of Lazarus. In the biblical tale Lazarus stumbles out of his crypt and he never says a word. A lack of coordination and speech is a fairly common indicator when it comes to newly created zombies.

In the end I think it's obvious that all indications of JC being vampire are red herrings put into the bible to distract people away from the blasphemous truth that every zombie horde that's tormented humanity through the ages is rooted in He who is purported to be the Lord and Savior of the human race. So be thankful this Easter. Enjoy your Easter baskets and candy and eggs dyed all sorts of interesting colors. Just remember to ask yourself What Would Zombie Jesus do? I think it's safe to say he's not interested in our hearts. He's come for our brains.


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