Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Global Warming

Given the recent hoopla over James Hansen' shall we say less than scientific handling of temperature data for global warming some people have started to doubt the Gospel of the Warming. I've had many discussions over the past few days regarding this lack of faith with other belivers and we came to a realization. The reason for the lack of faith has to do with how the Message of Warming is being given to the unwashed masses. Contrary to the opinion of the High Priests Gore and Pelosi the masses are actually capable of reading and understanding. Maybe not at the level of we believers but capable nonetheless. They know that all this talk of carbon offsets is really just that much malarkey.

See, the problem is that they know that carbon dioxide is NOT the primary greenhouse gas. The primary greenhouse gas is water. Good, old-fashioned H2O. So when His Holiness The Gore and He Who Shall Not Be Questioned, Barack the Obama, speak of carbon offsets and reducing emissions the unbelievers know it's just so much hot air. What is needed is a new approach to the Message. We need to show our people the light and the only way to do that is with Truth. And the Truth is that we need to reduce the amount of water entering the atmosphere dramatically. There are two major human activities that contribute to excess moisture making it into the skies and slowly smothering our beloved Mother.

First, all forms of physical exertion in the outdoors must cease. Every person who works outside, exercises, jogs, or even just sunbathes is sweating. What happens when we sweat? The moisture from our bodies evaporates into the atmosphere. When you figure six billion humans sweating their bodies water into the atmosphere the damage we are doing is unforgivable. This must cease immediately. Granted many people may die due to the lack of food as farmers are no longer able to work and the lack of exercise will cause those of us left to have expanding waistlines but it's a sacrifice we all must make for The Mother.

Second, all washing of clothing must be immediately terminated. Every time we wash, and then dry, our clothing all of the water in those clothes enters the atmosphere. When we again look at this effect as extrapolated over 6 billion people we're dumping un-supreme deity-ly amounts of water into our air. We can't continue this reckless activity out of some unnatural desire for clean, fabric softened clothing. It's irresponsible and an affront to Gaia for us to treat her so shabbily.

We must resign ourselves to being filthy, stinking, fat, and naked in order to protect our Blessed Mother from the scourge that we, as humans, have become. The true sacrifices will be made by those such as His Holy Oracle the Gore who will have to contine being clean, clothed, and living in comfort and having to live with the psychic and emotional trauma of knowing just how much damage they are doing to Her Blessed body every time they bathe, excercise, or wear clean clothing. But I'm sure it's a sacrifice they're willing to make.


At 7:23 PM, Blogger Green Topaz said...

After you finish not washing your clothes, head over to for a nifty free carbon offset certificate that you can hang where your washer used to be.

At 2:23 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh ye non-believers: Global warming started with the end of the last ice age, its the evel big oil and G. Bush that started it with their time machine!!!!


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